At a church conference in 2015, about an hour away from her home, Pam Irizarry’s past and future collided.
Irizarry had spent a good portion of her adult years hiding a long-held secret and denying to herself that she felt any guilt or shame. At her current stage of life, married to her husband, Eli, for 36 years (in 2015), mom to four grown children, grandmother to several blessings, she was sure the old guilt and shame were gone, or at least they had already been dealt with.
At this particular conference, she would begin to discover that she wasn’t quite as healed as she may have thought that she was. In this divine appointment, there was a display for a ministry called “Deeper Still.” Irizarry’s daughter, Ashley Mcklvee, who was married with kids of her own, entered first, saw the display, and discreetly put a brochure in her purse. Irizarry’s husband, Eli, entered next, and felt the Lord whisper to him: “One day, you will be involved in this ministry.” Finally, Irizarry entered, saw the display, and looked the other way, quickly walking past. She wanted nothing to do with Deeper Still.
Deeper Still Pittsburg
Deeper Still is a worldwide ministry, compromised of 25-30 local chapters in the U.S.A., for women and men who are post-abortive, for those who carry the shame, guilt, and sadness of choosing or experiencing an abortion. This special organization provides retreats around the country and the world that focus on healing and forgiveness. These retreats happen over the course of three days, twice a year, and they are free of charge for the attendees. Deeper Still has worked tirelessly to create a safe, confidential space where these hurting souls can come to receive healing.
Not long after the providential church conference the family attended, Irizarry’s daughter disappeared one weekend. Ashley told her mom that she was going away for a few days; it was something she needed to do, Irizarry shouldn’t ask any questions, just please help Ashley’s husband with the kiddos. Irizarry thought this behavior was a little out of character, but she didn’t think a whole lot more about it.
Turns out, Ashley had attended a Deeper Still retreat.
Irizarry would soon learn that Ashley carried around guilt and deep shame due to an abortion earlier in her life, and Irizarry knew that pain all too well. She knew it personally; she had also had an abortion years before. Irizarry was heartbroken, thinking of how her daughter carried this pain, this shame alone. In silence. With kindness, Irizarry encouraged Ashley to share her story. Irizarry then took the opportunity to share with her daughter about her own experience. Ashley was stunned. Her own mother had this same pain? This same shame? It was unbelievable.
Initially, both women were in a state of shock from learning these truths about each other. It was only a moment though before the women embraced and wept openly, grieving the lives of the children they would never know, of the years lost to shame and guilt. As they mourned, the mercy and compassion of the Holy Spirit filled the room, changing the atmosphere. Ashley whispered: “Mom? Do you smell that?” The Lord had filled the room with the scent of roses and overwhelmed them both. What an amazing display of His love!
God began the restoration process for this mother-daughter relationship in that moment. There had always been a wall, a distance between the two women, even from Ashley’s birth. You see, no matter how long ago or how recent, abortion affects every aspect of your life, even how you parent your living children. Irizarry’s relationship with her daughter was changed from that day on. They are now very close.
Pam Irizarry and Ashley Mcklvee in Recent Years
Knowing about her mother’s pain, and also about the healing she had received for herself, Ashley encouraged her mom to attend a Deeper Still retreat. Irizarry said an emphatic: “No. No. No. I don’t need to. I’ve already walked through my healing.” Due to Ashley’s insistence and the Lord’s gentle prodding, Irizarry did eventually attend a Deeper Still retreat. She soon realized that there were still layers that needed to be moved aside, parts of her that needed to be cleaned up and healed. This healing process, this deepening of the relationship with Jesus, Irizarry explains: “It’s like Paul from the Bible, ‘Not that I’ve already attained, but that I press on…’ (Philippians 3:12) There’s always more! Even if you already feel healed.” Irizarry came away from that retreat with a restoration she didn’t believe was possible, one she didn’t know she needed.
Pretty soon after, Ashley started speaking to her mom about volunteering for this special ministry, as Irizarry’s daughter was already becoming more and more involved in the Deeper Still ministry in her own city of Atlanta, Georgia. She was again hesitant, but she went forward with attending a retreat as an intercessor. On the first night of the retreat, Friday, Irizarry watched as the people came in, shame-filled, eyes downcast, arms crossed over their chests in protection. By Saturday evening, the change was so evident; the participants were able to share freely, their faces were lifted up and filled with joy, laughter was flowing from their hearts, their burden was lighter, and Satan had removed his hand from their throats. They were free!
Irizarry almost agreed in that moment to God’s call for her to be involved in Deeper Still full-time, but there was still a little bit more work to be done in her own heart. As she entered into a Sunday service soon after her volunteer retreat, she looked up to the empty pulpit, and she felt the Lord impress upon her: “You will be up here sharing your story.” Irizarry firmly denied this word, saying: “I was afraid of the judgment. There is more tolerance, more forgiveness for a serial killer, for a criminal who would be in the pulpit speaking, than for someone who has had an abortion.” The Lord didn’t give up. She felt him saying: “You’re gonna change the stigmas, Pam. The post-abortive person is not a drug addict, not some loose woman running in the streets. You will change what people think women who have had an abortion look like.” In that moment, Irizarry was finally all in. She was going to speak up and speak out; tell all about the healing, forgiveness, and freedom that could be found in Christ. With her newfound confidence, Irizarry became a volunteer for Deeper Still Pittsburg, and since 2020, she has been the Director.
Pam Irizarry, Director of Deeper Still Pittsburg
Irizarry’s passion for this ministry is contagious. Deeper Still is unapologetically evangelistic in its healing work, and they want everyone to know that healing is available to all – both women and men. When someone attends a retreat, she or he will learn and participate in some important truths:
- Every life is precious. God breathed His breath into us. He values life as sacred. Irizarry shared: “We have to recognize this truth so we can understand what we have done. It’s a hard truth, but it’s necessary.”
- God provided the perfect sacrifice – Jesus. His blood was shed for us, for every broken heart, for every sin. Knowing this, we can begin to understand how He can forgive us.
- We all need prayers of forgiveness. For those who have hurt us. For those we have hurt. For ourselves.
- Strongholds must be broken. Generational wounds that led the individual down the path to abortion. Violations by family members. Prejudice toward women. Prejudice toward men.
Sadly, the church has collectively failed those who are suffering silently from the shame, guilt, and sadness of abortion. In fact, “abortion healing” is a ministry that is virtually untouched; the resources for this demographic are simply not there. There are a few 6 or 12-week Bible studies, but due to the shame and stigma surrounding it, churches are afraid to step out with love in this area. Irizarry observed that statistics speak to the depth of this need: worldwide, one out of three women have experienced an abortion, and 70% of those women claim to be Christians. Where is the church? It is desperately needed to help heal abortion scars. Irizarry is sure that if the worldwide church could help people along toward healing, the local church would be all the better for it. What could be more beneficial than a healthy church?
Deeper Still Pittsburg has been so blessed; God has provided every single penny they have needed. To this point, since Irizarry took over as director, they have not had to fundraise at all. The family members of the attendees, the past attendees, women’s conferences, and Irizarry’s own church, Lifespring Christian Church in Greensburg, PA, have all been instrumental in supporting this important ministry. As was mentioned earlier, the Deeper Still retreats are free of charge for those who attend. What many people do not realize though is that the team members, even Irizarry herself, all work without pay. Each person who is a part of Deeper Still is truly there to help the hurting move toward their healing and freedom in Christ.
Irizarry is indeed zealous in her calling to tell others about Christ’s gift of love, forgiveness, and healing: “I just want people to know, you don’t have to carry this your whole life.”
To learn more about Deeper Still Pittsburg, visit: http://www.deeperstillpittsburgh.org/
To learn more about Deeper Still’s National and Worldwide Chapters, visit: http://www.deeperstill.org/
